Trying Not To Listen

My Dark PassengerThe Dark Passenger is being rather vocal at the moment. My decision to deal with the current situation by letting things lie is giving him plenty of scope to come up with all manner of unhelpful thoughts.

I’m giving him as good as I’m getting, but the chap is just so very inventive. Last night he had the brilliant idea of putting a song in my head, and now I just can’t stop humming, whistling or singing it.

What is more annoying, is that it’s probably one of my favourite songs, and very, very well known.

Remember this? …

Hello darkness, my old friend
I’ve come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone
‘Neath the halo of a street lamp
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence

“Fools”, said I, “You do not know
Silence like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you”
But my words, like silent raindrops fell
And echoed
In the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon god they made
And the sign flashed out its warning
In the words that it was forming
And the sign said, “The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls”
And whispered in the sounds of silence

If things don’t improve, I may have to arrange an appointment to see Cecilia, though on second thoughts, remembering her lyrics, I can’t see it helping much. Back to the chanting me thinks.

Just Before Dawn

They say that things are the darkest just before dawn, but I would suggest that this is not always the case. When people are under intense pressure, as we all are at the moment, that darkest moment can come at almost any point.

Our Fundamental Darkness, my Dark Passenger, can have a field day when we are tired, emotional and stressed out by Ivor’s situation. Whilst the trick is to keep a wary eye on the little devil, it is also of paramount importance that we maintain our compassion for each other too.

Ivor remains comfortable, sedated and pain free, but there cannot be any improvement, so we are still keeping our 24 hour bedside vigil, supported by the marvellous staff at Frenchay hospital. Although Ivor is not a Buddhist, his wife Jill is, so please send Daimoku, if you can, to help her through this most difficult of moments.

Nam Myoho Renge Kyo

Virtual Reality

Things That Go Bump In The DayHave you ever woken from such a vivid dream that you struggle to put it to the back of your mind? The feelings that it evoked refuse to subside and somehow it weaves its way into the reality of your day.

I had such a start to my day today, and it really played a bit of havoc with the start of my morning. It wasn’t until I had a really good chant that the real world took hold again.

You may think I’m a little crazy, but we often forget that much of our reality is actually taking place in our brains. Everything we see is simply an interpretation of signals coming in through our optic nerves and the sounds we hear are processed vibrations of our ear drums.

So when you next wake from a particularly disturbing dream, take your time to recover your composure. When the stories of the night get woven into the events of the day, take time to chant and regain control over your thoughts and your dark passenger, the master of virtual reality.

That Friday Feeling

Hello Darkness My Old FriendWell here we are again folks, another week older and deeper in debt, or so a poor paraphrase of the song would go. Another day spent in Newbury has taken us a lot closer to completing the repair of Fraser’s and me a day nearer to getting my Bumble back.

I’m still struggling with the feelings of inadequacy in terms of looking after B, and we actually had a few sharp words with each other when I tried to explain how I felt. It seemed that there was a conflict, with me wanting to help and wanting her to allow me to do so, and she not wanting to put me to any inconvenience. Of course I should have recognised the mutterings of The Dark Passenger, but sadly I didn’t until it was almost too late.

We came to a sensible compromise, and when we spoke on Skype tonight, it seems that peace has broken out once more. I would like to think that listening to chapter 7, my favourite chapter of The Buddha, Geoff and Me got me thinking straight again. That and another serious chanting session on the way from Newbury to Bristol.

The day ended very pleasantly with a family meal round at Charlotte’s. Earlier in the day I just wasn’t feeling like talking to anyone, being in a low life-state and lacking life-energy. The chanting seems to work every time for me. I guess I should be getting used to that by now, but it still makes me smile when it does.

Nam Myoho Renge Kyo

Accept Challenges, Stay Calm And Overcome

Quiet CalmThe challenges we meet in life are often seen as the negative side of our existence. We alone can decide how we deal with them, either we can accept them, tackle them head on, or we can shy away from them and hope they go away. Anyone who has tried the second path will know that it virtually never works, so accepting challenges has to be the right way to go.

Accepting our challenges is not, initially, the most natural thing to do. It might seem easier to run away, to bury our heads, or just ignore the issues, but no good will ever come of taking that path. Taking responsibility and meeting challenges head on can be really hard. That doesn’t mean it has to be difficult, but it does mean we have to dig deep, stay strong and never ever give in.

So how should we approach the process? For me, it means looking at the challenge from all sides, and that involves keeping a calm mind and thinking clearly about all the aspects involved. Chanting allows me to calm my mind, to focus and to concentrate. This is the state of mindfulness and gives me control over my thoughts, words and deeds. For others it may be beneficial to meditate or to write down a list of all the facets of the challenge.

The whole process can be thrown into turmoil by our fundamental darkness, that little voice in our heads, that tells us the challenge is too hard, that we cannot overcome it and that giving up is the easy path. We must listen to that voice because it is part of us, but we must then rationalise the alternatives and be determined to take the right path, not the easiest path.

When you overcome a challenge, the feelings of elation are immense. When we give into a challenge, the feelings of defeat are equally immense, but terribly damaging. Gaining your first win will be the hardest. Once you know the winning feeling, you will never again want to feel defeat again.

So try different coping strategies, be that chanting, meditation, list building or whatever works for you. Be sure that overcoming challenges will make you a stronger and more confident person and that each win will make the next challenge easier to overcome. In time, you will lose the fear of challenges, and although you may not actually look forward to the next one, you will be more prepared to meet it and overcome it when it arrives.

Doom And Gloom

My Fundamental DarknessWhen life’s road gets a little bumpy, it’s easy to let it get you down, and that can have a series of knock-on effects. When the (whatever the opposite of ) rose-coloured spectacles go on, when all glasses are suddenly half empty, it a sure sign that you are in, or heading straight for, Hell state.

Hell state isn’t all fire and brimstone, as Christianity might suggest, it’s where your negativity takes over, where your Fundamental Darkness holds sway. In my case, my Dark Passenger has been rather too vocal over the last couple of days, making up ridiculous scenarios and basically forging my own little hell.

The side-effect of that can be that I tend to take others there with me. I’m less rational, more irritable, less approachable than usual. That’s not a very nice way to be, but it’s even less nice for those around me. If you’ve been on the receiving end, over the last few days, I am very sorry. I’m going to take steps to put things right.

So it’s time to take myself off somewhere quiet, a secluded spot where I can be alone, somewhere I can chant my head off !!! Just writing this is making me feel better already, because I know that chanting will definitely do the trick. It always does. So I’ll see you later. I’ll be the one with the smile on my face.

Taking On Challenges

Challenges NOT ProblemsWe have discussed the difference between problems and challenges, and we know that there is no difference, other than in our head. Problems are things we worry we cannot overcome, challenges are things we believe that we can. Having the confidence and determination to tackle things head on enables us to stay positive, to turn poison into medicine, to take on those challenges (we don’t do problems here) and ultimately to live a happy and fulfilled life. But if we let our mind magnify the challenge, our Fundamental Darkness takes control, and these obstacles grow and grow.

Overcoming Obstacles

This negative aspect is often referred to as the ‘three obstacles and four devils’ (in Japanese, sansho shima). Obstacles refer to things which appear to be outside of ourselves (but which ultimately have their origins in our lives) and the devils, or negative elements, are ‘internal’. What makes these obstacles and devils serious is that if we are influenced by them we may stop practising Buddhism. They confront us at a specific point in time – usually when we are about to grow in our lives and move forward. The fact that at a difficult moment we may think that we should stop practising is a sign that it is an attack of one of the three obstacles and four devils. From a positive point of view these hindrances enable us to see a weakness in our lives so that we can chant and become stronger in that area.

The first is the obstacle of earthly desires. Buddhism teaches that our earthly desires may be transformed into enlightenment. Second is the obstacle of karma, which includes the influence of those who are close to us such as a spouse, partner or children. Third is the obstacle of retribution, which means opposition from those with power over us, such as our superiors, parents or people in authority.

The devils come from within our own lives. We create our own negativity, our own doubt, uncertainty and confusion. The first devil arises from our earthly desires. It can include egoism, craving for personal fame and riches, laziness or being dominated by force of habit. It can also arise from the three poisons of greed, anger and stupidity.

Second is the devil of weakness that can arise in our own bodies, such as an illness which will hold us back and reduce our capacity. Third is the devil which manifests as the hindrance of death. Unless we are confident that death is not ‘the end’, but rather another phase in the cycle of life and death – then another person’s death can trigger a sense of doubt and can considerably weaken our will to practise Buddhism, even though Buddhism is intended to relieve us from the sufferings of birth and death.

Finally the fourth devil is known as the Devil King of the Sixth Heaven who, in Buddhist mythology, works to obstruct Buddhist practice and drain our life force. This is the manifestation of fundamental darkness inherent in life. And because of this can be seen as the most challenging aspect of negativity to conquer. When influential people persuade or threaten us to stop practising this could be said to be the workings of the Devil of the Sixth Heaven.

Whatever form they take, the Daishonin advises us to take these obstacles and devils as confirmation that we are properly practising the true Law through which ordinary people become Buddhas. They offer us insight into aspects of our human revolution, ways to strengthen our lives and assurance that we are on the verge of achieving this, so long as we are neither influenced nor frightened by them. Human revolution includes experiencing this process and transforming some aspect of ourselves. It indicates the real experience of finding we have to confront something. It also includes our need to gain the inner conviction that we can win over the obstacle in question.

In Buddhism, the term ‘fundamental darkness’ is used to describe the ignorance and delusion inherent in human life. This is the ignorance of the fact that we all have the state of Buddhahood in our lives, at all times, latent and ready to be revealed. The aim of our great struggle for kosen-rufu, our movement of human revolution, is to transform that innate darkness into light. Our goal is to vanquish the destructive tendencies within human life that give rise to mutual distrust and hate, violence and fear. The three obstacles and four devils become an indispensable means for doing this. That is why we should rejoice when they appear.

Stepping Out Of Your Comfort Zone

Defeat Your Dark PassengerChallenges we set ourselves can be easy, or they can be hard. Generally speaking, the challenges that are worth setting, take us well out of our comfort zone. So what is the secret of success in such a situation?

Well speaking from my own experience, it is all about confidence and determination. My weight loss ‘program’, if you can call it that, was set in motion through a determination to get into shape, both physically and in terms of my own self image. It’s easy to put off till tomorrow, that which you should start today, and to give in today, promising that you will put things right tomorrow.

Feelings like that are normal. It is our Fundamental Darkness talking us into wrong thoughts and deeds. The only weapon we have against it, and we all have those thoughts, is our determination to succeed. By imagining that our Dark Passenger,  as I prefer to call it, is actually something outside ourselves, we can mentally argue our case and through determination change our actions.

Yesterday’s ride, although no Tour de France, was by far the hardest ride I have undertaken in years. My Dark Passenger was coming up with all manner of reason for why I shouldn’t embark on the challenge. It’s too far, what happens if you get a puncture, worse still, what if you get to Swanage and are too tired to get back? Well I ignored his negativity, got on my bike, literally, and showed him that, given the confidence and determination, I could achieve my goal, and I enjoyed every second of it.

I have set myself some much tougher goals in that respect. I am, once the weather improves in the spring, going to cycle up to see Charlotte and Hannah in Bristol. That will be a journey of over seventy miles in one day, or one hundred and fifty miles if they send me packing and I ride straight back. I’m also going to take part in the Beach to Beach ride in aid of Asthma Research, from Bournemouth to Brighton, next May, so I need to push myself still further to help that good cause.

Success is sweet, failure is bitter and the only difference between the two is determination. Any goal, no matter how large or how small, is only unattainable if you lack the determination to go on. No cause is lost until you decide that it is lost. So ignore, or better still defeat your Fundamental Darkness, have confidence in yourself, be determined, and never, ever give up. In that way, you will always be a winner, will achieve your goals, and be forever tasting that sweet taste of success.

Crunching The Numbers

Crunching The NumbersApart from being a dedicated Nichiren Buddhist, I have a science and maths background, and I love to know how and why things work. So I’ve been doing the maths behind my weight loss, and the numbers are almost unbelievable.

In the past three months, to be precise, 82 days, I have lost 13.3kg or 2 stone 1  pound (29lbs) in old money. Now the accepted calorific value of each pound of body fat is 3500 calories, so by multiplying the number of pounds lost, assuming I have lost fat and not bone or muscle, we arrive at a staggering 102620 calories. Dividing the total by the number of days gives us an average of just over 1250 each day, every day, amazing.

Whilst the numbers are pretty staggering, it just shows why it is so difficult for people to lose weight. When you consider that running up stairs burns 30.7 calories per minute, to burn off that number of calories would entail doing that exercise continuously for over 2 days 8 hours. Burning them off on an exercise bike, peddling at a moderate pace (around 10.8 calories per minute), would take over 6 days 12 hours.

The only way I have managed to make this work for me, is by using the hunger pangs and the nagging temptations from my Dark Passenger, to build my determination. I have learned to enjoy the hunger pangs, which sounds a little masochistic. But if I am feeling hungry, my body is burning reserves, which means I am losing weight. This method works for me. Maybe I’m strange? But if you want to do it for yourself, and most people I speak to say that they would like to lose a little, you have to find a way to increase your determination to the point that it overcomes the stream of daily temptations to over eat.

Backsliding

Scales Don't LieI’ve been on this diet since early August, and it’s been going really well. I’ve lost over two stone (13kgs) and I feel terrific, but it’s so easy to get back into bad habits and undo all the good work. Saturday was a perfect example. Being invited to the cafe for breakfast was going to be a treat, teacakes, coffee and all. But it’s all too easy to think, ‘well I’ve had this and that, so I might as well go for it’. Stupid and a big mistake.

Like most challenges in life, it’s far more difficult to stick to the goal than it is to ignore it and let your urges take over. Sadly the scales don’t lie, and I know it wasn’t the teacake that caused all the trouble. One way I have stayed on course is by not having temptations in the house. But Charlotte’s place was full of goodies. A half eaten birthday cake, a box of flapjacks, even a box of Dunkin’ doughnuts.

I managed to avoid most of them, but whether it was because I was tired I don’t know, but I just felt hungry, and gave in to temptation. A couple of crumpets with cheese, coffee with sugar and several Caramel and Crunchie mini bars later I was feeling better, but suitably miffed with myself.

I knew that things would have taken a backwards step when I weighed myself yesterday, but having ‘been good’ all day I was even more dismayed to find things were no better this morning either. So today has been a day for quiet contemplation and sticking strictly to my self imposed rules.

It’s so much easier, and pleasant, to put weight on than it is to get it off. But the hardest of all is to lose it, and then put it back on when you know that you let your fundamental darkness take control. Double the pain, knowing that there is a chink in your determination, and that it really wasn’t worth all the angst. So get thee hence Dark Passenger. My new cycling bits arrived today, so I’m going to put them to good use and burn all those stupid calories off again.

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